


I never knew

by AlexaDark



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Heartbreak, Hurt, Pre-Clexa, raven mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 20:43:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10907112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexaDark/pseuds/AlexaDark
Summary: Clarke's inside monologue





	I never knew

**Author's Note:**

> Got my heart broken and needed to spill it somewhere.  
> Thanks to the awesome people in Rikleimt for cheering me up a bit. You rock.

I never knew, it would hurt. Hurt so strong, but truly. Analysing every reason why. Why everything I did was never enough to make you stay. It makes my heart shut down. It buries you in pain and heartache. Of all the meetings with pain, this one stings the most. Hurt the most.  
We were all my heart could which for or at least that was what I thought. We were together for so long time. Two years. All in a bliss of a love in our little bubble. My little bubble. I loved her. Head over heels. Heart over mind. She made me feel everything I only though belonged in the movies. The warm hugs, the sweet smell of her perfume and the way she made me laugh, when I need it. I loved all her flaws. Her stubbornness and her blindness for the flaws in her plans. I guess that is why I never saw the flaws in us.  
Everything was fine or at least I thought it was. I guess, my view on us made me blind. I know, we had our issues. But apparently not how deep they went. To numb. Out of the blue, she said that she was not sure about us. About me. I remember I froze in place. She kept pointing out the flaws in our relationship. How I was walking around with my head in the sky, while she was earthbound. How we never could agree on the music we heard. Every flaw that never had been a problem before. Why was is suddenly a problem now? Then the final blow came. She did not love me. Not anymore. She said, she did in the beginning but the feelings began to fade.  
That is what hurts the most in my opinion. Knowing that you love someone, but they don’t love you back.  
I couple of weeks later I found out she left me for someone else. Her one, as she calls her. I was too tired to be angry. All I could feel was the ocean of sadness, confusion and hurt.  
From her breaking up with me, to the fact, that she was with someone else so soon after, hurt like a million thorns. But it hurt the most that I had let myself be blinded by a love that became non-existing.  
After that I let myself get drown in the ocean of sad feelings. I let myself go. My friends tried to pull me out, but it was too late. I became a ghost. Not feeling. Not doing anything expect the same old routine. Wakeup, breakfast, school, homework, eat and sleep. Even if the last step came at dawn, I could not live without the routine. I was a ghost, until I was not.  
On my way doing the third thing in my routine I got knocked off my feet, and my eyes meet a pair of deep green eyes, that was guarded like mine. For the first time in a long time I felt something. I wanted something. It became my mission to learn more about the guarded green eyes.  
Days spent with her and I felt I could smile again without the need to force it. She became the light to my darkness. She became my friend. She gave me a reason. A reason to live not just survive. As time went by I learn her strengths. How smart she was. Always disciplined and always kind. How she never looked down on everyone, before she could make a real judgment. I learn her strengths, but also her weaknesses. How she lives with her uncle with her sister after her parents died. How she never wants to disappoint them. How she got her first heart break and never let someone come that close after that.  
I learned, how different we were.  
I am a night owl, while she is an early bird. She likes the classic novels, while I like to travel to the far-out space. She is studying business, while I study at art school. Her friends were classic and elegant while mine were a large group of dorks and idiots. I guess that is why I like them though. I believe, it was all those differences, that made me run, after she kissed me. Someone so different could never make it work. Even if it could work, feeling would fade out into nothing and I would not have anything left of my light. My sun. My reason.  
I never realized how lonely it was without her, until I did not see her for days. But I could not look her in the eyes. I did not know that I was pushing her away. It was my friends that got us to talk again. They look us up. Said that we should figure our shit out. Ravens words, not mine.  
After a couple of minutes in silent, she began talking. Asking. Asking why I ran. Why I was avoiding her. I remember, looking into her sad unguarded eyes, before breaking down in tears. Suddenly every fear of mine was too much to bare. All my fears came out in small sobs. The fear of commitment to an us. The fear of being to different. The fear of being left behind. The fear of feeling. The fear of losing her.  
She looked at me with understanding eyes. She embraced her in her arms and began whispering sweet calming words into my ear. How she would never hurt me. How she understood my fears. How she still hoped, that I would give her a chance, to show how much she meant it.  
After all my experience with feelings and love… I never knew a person could feel so much as home as in that moment.

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of needed a good ending to this story. Just to remember myself that a heartbreak do dont kill you. Not even if you want to crawl under a rock forever.


End file.
